After a little forced break of 3 months,
to get distance from the events and to know what I really want, I am back in sl. And I have started with this blog because of this (I hope) "new beginning" in sl.
Meanwhile much has happened in rl. I have renovate my shop and ordered new furniture. The contact to the customers seems better as before and I had more as one discussion with my father. The break has done me well and I really felt glad seeing again my old friends.
I'm pleasantly surprised that I can already tell about my first login two days ago because for me
it was a start full of love even though I was alone. I am also surprised that, of about 10 "good friends" with whom I was together every day, about which I have cared and supported so much, with whom I've laughed and cried, only two of them have missed me (three of them not even reply on my IM after hours).
I had no direct expectations of what happens when I log in. I logged into sl at the place (still his sim), on which I am logged off.
The place where I left him in tears, screaming but knowing it is the best for me. It needed a little time until the sim was totally rezzed (at least because of graphic settings in preferences). When the picture was clearer, I found there I will say a kind of an small altar. The first thing I thought he has given up the sim because of the altar. But after few seconds I noticed a rl picture of me at the top of the altar.
I have not known what I to think of it in this moment. My first thought was it looks as if I am already dead. What he has done here? Sat on the pillow and praying? I smiled at this thought and about the idea of seeing him sitting there in front of the altar with the picture of me. Anyway, I tested all stuff at the altar if something happens when I touch it (just his style) while perceiving what for a wonderful work he have done here. The two flowers, the choice of the image, the candles, the colors... each part has its significance. As I touched the picture a window opened and I received two note cards written by him. The first is a kind of explanation as to why he has said some things, expected and done. It was not necessary because I had already understood in this period of my absence. But it was a subsequent confirmation that I had understood correctly. Well, I dont want to go further and it does not belong here. As I read the note card I realized that he expected me back (I was not sure). And I felt very honored because I know about his less time and also how long it takes to write this long explanation.
The second note card containing a poem by him. I am not necessarily a friend of poems. Sure I can understand the depth and strength of the words, and the feeling that will be brought to expression, but I have never had the idea to write a poem or even to look for it. Mmmm perhaps, for me never give the situation to write a poem for someone. But why I have never thought writing a poem for this great man? Or why not for .... Whatever the reason, his poem has really impressed me and I like to publish it here at this point.
The name of the author does not matter.
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Pedestal
When I met u
I felt a powerful thrust of hope
Raising me beyond the oppressing gravity of habits
Of self imposed confinements
Of social limitations
Hypocrisies, rules and fears.
And then I could see it all clearly from above
As I was orbiting the utopian world of our togetherness.
And what I saw was the deformed, destroyed and deserted pedestal
Which I had built for you
and on which I had placed you.
But by so doing
I, the creator of this illusion,
felt inferior to my creation.
I felt small (by comparison to your divinity)
and insignificant
and unable to offer u the inhumanly large amounts of
adoration
which I had convinced myself that u deserved..
And I hated u like we often hate whatever we initially admired as
superior to our selves.
or whatever makes us feel small.
Or what we fear.
In short, I forgot that you are human too
I thus I lost both
myself
And you.
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Granted, it touches me very much. I read it again and again. I feel a bit ashamed in any way looking back on our short but intense togetherness. I have learned so much about myself the time as I was with him... Ultimately, about my almost insurmountable shyness, he was the one who has caused this a little. Moreover, he opened my eyes with his generosity, his sympathetic understanding and his wise advice, about my deep desires and needs. I just needed some time to realize that for me (for both rl and sl) what he had recognized long before. I still love him. I can not thank him enough for all what he done for me. There is no greater man for me than him.
Well, at all I am happy finally.
I can not wait to see him again...
