I feel bad

I feel a little depressed today because of some minor or bigger incidents - sl and rl
My best female friend in sl told me I should write it here, what upset me .... then I would feel better.

I wonder, am I emotionally overwhelmed?
Or makes me the Christmas time more sensitiv?
I will lose next year a loved one - my father. When I think of it, it drives me tears in the eyes. He is ill with cancer and his doctor says that he will not celebrate the next Christmas. Of course, my family was ready on Christmas Eve to be together. But how the devil would have it, the weather has not cooperated. For me it was impossible to get out of my town. It snowed almost continuously for days and I needed with a friend more than an hour to make my car free from the snow. The road was too slippery even with winter tires. And hell, no bus, no train in use. Noone of the family has reached my parents yesterday :-(
Sure Christmas is not everything, every other day is just as good...

I wonder, am I emotionally overwhelmed?
Or makes me the Christmas time more sensitiv?
Well  a very good friend rl and sl sent me an email on the 30th of November with the message that he have cancer - lung cancer.
"Don’t worry about the operation.  According to the lung specialist it will be a recovery operation. But it is a heavy one: They will remove +/- half of my right lung and I hope I will be ok after that. Today I was told that they will operate on me on the 7th of December.  I guess that if all goes well I will be chasing boys in SL after 7 to 10 days in the hospital ;-).   (I wonder if I will have enough air to run after them in real life too )."
You see? Today it is the 25th of December - no sign of him... neither sl nor in rl.

I wonder, am I emotionally overwhelmed?
Or makes me the Christmas time more sensitiv?
But as I read the following in someones sl profile yesterday I could scream.

MASTER?? HAH!!!
To all of you guys who have the word "MASTER" anywhere in your name, or identify yourself as a "Master": You are f-ing pathetic. You are deeply disturbed and disgusting. I don't know why you have the need to want to dominate and subjugate others, but I for one feel sorry for you. You obviously have something wrong with you, and you have to control others in order to feel good about yourself. Probably you have a very small penis and are therefore insecure of your masculinity. Most likely impotent too. I have to admit that as a group you mostly amuse me. I love laughing in a "Master's" face. Please know that I look at you with both comtempt and a degree of pity. You are botched and defective.

Sub=SubHUMAN
To all of you guys who have the word "Sub" anywhere in your name, or identify yourself as a sub: You are as bad as if not worse than the "Masters". Why anyone would want to be dominated by another person is beyond me. Why were we given a sense of SELF if only to give up our free will to another? You are a disgrace. A disgusting wretch. You should be deeply ashamed of your willingness to be dominated and subjugated by the predators you call "Sir". You are beneath my notice and if you IM me you will be met with nothing but contempt.

I will leave these two simple statements in the room - no further comments.

I wonder, am I emotionally overwhelmed?
Or makes me the Christmas time more sensitiv?
I feel really attracted to someone in sl for a couple of weeks, but he knows nothing about? I have thought as long as I wear the skin of my dream man it can not happen to me - noone can top my dream man. But I was wrong. The way he talks to the people in group chat has made me aware of him. I listened to him for a while, enjoyed his short effective commands and statements which reminds me to a forgotten - also missed feelings  - power through words. Sure I was curious and checked his profile. To my surprise, his profile is very similar to mine...

Yesterday I droped him a Christmas gift.

[18:22]  Me: Good evening Mr. ... Sir!
Just a little gift for a great man Sir, as a token of my admiration and worship.
Merry Christmas Sir.
[18:22]  He: o,O
[18:23]  He: well thank you!
[18:23]  Me: :-) you have not seen it Sir
[18:23]  He: looking
[18:23]  Me: smiling
[18:24]  He: very nice - thank you
[18:24]  Me: :-) your welcome Sir
[18:25]  Me: a pity my bed time now
[18:25]  Me: hope you enjoy Christmas Sir
[18:25]  He: Thanks - and you too
[18:25]  Me: good night Sir
[18:25]  He: g'nite

As I logged off my heart feels happy in a way only because he has accepted the gift but as I layed in my bed and thought again about it my joy shrank suddenly. Well you can not know why because you do not know what was the gift. It is a Christmas stocking in a nice gift box. That is what he have seen. The damn stocking - nothing more. But what is a Christmas stocking when nothing is in it? I have constructed the Christmas stocking, that he has to touch it three times 1. for the particles, 2. for the Christmas song and 3. to recieve the gifts and the Christmas card. Well, I think he will never know what he got from me. The gift is lost somewhere in his inventory or probably he deleted it. Why I think so? Well, note the times in our conversation....   too short. I may be wrong, but no smile also...   He was not really happy - was even a Christmas stocking.
I am angry about myself - really.
And I am embarrassed to ask. It would sound as if I would assume him superficiality, no?
Maybe I think too much.

I hear into myself...

I feel bad.